“Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17 NASB)
This past weekend marked the annual Reality L.A. Men’s Retreat. This year, as in the previous two years I believe, the retreat took place in the mountains at Ponderosa Pines. The theme…”Prayer: The Underestimated Power of the Christian Man”. A time for the men of our church to regroup, reassess, and rejuvenate…three days of prayer, preaching, and yes, PLAYING (more on that later).
(All photos below courtesy of Pablo Wang. All rights reserved)
Reality L.A. Men's Retreat 2012
Though I’ve been a part of the Reality L.A. family for the better part of 6 years, this was the first retreat I’ve ever attended. In my earlier days as a Christian I had a “men don’t retreat, they advance” attitude (yeah, I know…hush). This year was different. I (like so many in our church that I’ve spoken to and prayed with/for) have been going through a very rough time mentally, emotionally, and circumstantially. I’ve been almost surprised by the number of men (and women) in our family of faith that have shared struggles with anxiety and depression. It’s almost felt like a pandemic. To give some context to some of my thoughts regarding the retreat, allow me to be very transparent and share my heart for a moment.
My life looks very different than it did 3 years ago while I was in the midst of homelessness, physical infirmity, an inability to provide for my children, beginning the healing process from a tragic divorce, and suffering from suicidal depression (no counsel, no meds…kept it to myself and coped through prayer). I’m no longer homeless and most of my maladies have been diminished to a manageable annoyance, rather than a debilitating distraction. But I’m still very poor and struggle to provide for my boys (a source of great frustration). And while it’s been almost 3 ½ years since my divorce was finalized (after 3 ½ years of separation prior to that), the fallout and damage still affect me to this day. I struggle to deal with the damage it has done to my sons and our relationship. I struggle with how it affects my ministry as a former pastor-teacher. I struggle with receiving the Lord’s forgiveness and mercy for what I see as a dismal failure and crushing defeat on my part. I also struggle with intense, oppressive loneliness and a desire to be married again in spite of the aforementioned.
Every time I’ve thought that my life was beginning to move forward, some new spiritual battle ensues. I’ve felt very beat up and shell-shocked off-and-on for some time. All of that to say that this “Souljah” needed a tactical withdrawal…a “retreat” in the truest military sense of the term. So going this weekend to the RLA retreat was a desperate need. The Lord so graciously met that need through sponsorship from my community group (Long Beach, represent)! I wasn’t certain I’d be able to go (due to the aforementioned poverty). But the Lord answered that prayer, because He’s such a good Father to His children.
Speaking of the retreat. God hearing and answering our prayers was one of the topics taught on by various Reality staff members. It was refreshing to hear from some of the men whom Pastor Tim has taken aside to pour into in a teaching class. After the first night of Pastor Tim discussing coming to God in prayer like a child (in humility and with access to our Abba)…Adam Smith, Jonathan Fitzgerald, Casey Fritz, Nick Garcia, Nathan Potter, and Cody Harris (I feel like I’m forgetting someone) all brought “holy heat” in their own unique way with their own unique perspectives. Time and space don’t allow for a summary of each teaching, but they were all edifying to a greater-or-lesser degree. I was convicted, challenged, and comforted all at once. I’m still processing much of what was said, along with some of the discussions that were had in between the teachings.
Real Men Pray, Praise, & Worship Their King & Abba
As I mentioned, there was plenty of “play” as well. My scoliosis/arthritis of the spine prevented me from partaking in the “Cabin Olympics”. Nevertheless, it was still a joy to watch my brothers have a blast (and possibly blow off some steam in some instances, I’m sure). My cabin (Cabin 11/Team 11, called “The Beach Boys” – Manhattan Beach and Long Beach community groups) took 2nd Place in the Cabin Olympics. Despite my inability to participate, I did get to practice some archery for the first time ever! And riding the zip line was fun (even the second time around when the staffer didn’t catch me and I slid back out to the middle of the line…he had to pull me back in…but it was funny and fun to me). Pics of me and my fun with archery and the zip line will be amended to this blog (and posted on Facebook) at a later date.
Team 3 (I forget which cabin they were) took the cup in the Cabin Olympics. Good job fellas…I won't hate ;-)
Of course the enemy wanted to disrupt and/or negate the ministry the Holy Spirit brought forth over the weekend. My poverty was waiting at home to jump in my face right away. I had forgotten that I didn’t have any money for the Metro to come to church the following day. And because my phone is off and I don’t have internet at home, I wasn’t able to ask anyone for a ride. That wasn’t necessarily a big deal in of itself. It was the fact that I was scheduled to serve at the 9am service with the Host Ministry team that I lead, and I had no way of letting anyone know I wasn’t going to be able to make it. I left my team (and Sunday service leadership) hanging and it sent me into a momentary depression that almost overwhelmed me. All of this, the very day after such an awesome time in the Lord. Satan is crafty, and our hearts are weak.
I’ve spent most of the day (it is 6:30 pm on Sunday at the time of this writing) praying and crying out to God to minister to my lameness and give me grace to trust Him and not be moved by circumstance. For so long I’ve felt like a slave to circumstance, despite brief seasons of seemingly fleeting freedom. I’ve been a leader in the Body of Christ for many years (as a former pastor, a ministry organization head, a performance artist, a discipler, etc.). So it’s often difficult for me to be as transparent as I’d like to be, despite the fact that transparency is part of what I’m known for in my personal ministry. It’s just that so many people look up to me, and look to me to be an example of faith and perseverance…even when I’m not occupying a defined leadership role. So I find myself being too hard on myself or not wanting to cause someone else to stumble by how weak and defeated I feel at times. I also struggle with being in need so often for so long, and having to ask for help all the time. Pride, just like Satan, is sneaky too. But the Lord is so good. He is faithful even when we are not. And I praise God that, despite my current circumstances, I have the opportunity to now be in school part-time and access financial aid (while continuing to work on establishing infrastructure and funding for Soul Speech Ministries).
There’s so much on my heart that I wish I could continue to write about. There simply isn’t time or space enough to do so. Or I never seem to have the words to articulate fully. Though I shared some things at the retreat, I wasn’t able to be nearly as transparent or get things off my chest as I would have liked (hence, this lengthy blog lol). All things considered, however, I thoroughly enjoyed my time with my brothers in Christ! I was also mad encouraged by the love and healing that was evident with so many of the men up in those mountains! I am very thankful to my Abba for His patient love and mercy towards me. I’m thankful to my community group for sponsoring me at the last minute. And I’m thankful for Reality L.A. and the ministry that the Lord Jesus is bringing forth through His church, through the agency of the Holy Spirit, to the glory of the Father.
We are NOT a cult at Reality L.A. But some of us to like to poke fun at the notion some may have of us being so. A pic like this helps that cause ;-)
Now it’s time to armor up and return to battle!!! Time to take up the shield of faith and quench the flaming missiles of the evil one (Ephesians 6:16)! The war is already won at the Cross of Christ…I just need to continue to fight the good fight of faith (1 Timothy 6:12). To God be the glory, as He has His way in and through me. Amen.
Your Servant & Brother in Christ,
Jediael Ben Johnson
